Chaos Digitized

I realize that this private, anonymous blog should be the perfect place for me to be able to say just about anything I have on my chest, but I'm worried that H will find it somehow and use it against me. Even spending time running errands is being used against me, so imagine if he were to find out something really juicy - like me spending time *gasp* writing on my book. Or worse, meeting with people that might give me attention, a laugh, a smile, and constructive criticism on my book.  I asked for a date. Suggested something he might like for after a 15 minute appointment to get my new piercing. No dice. Then he asked why I didn't go out and get my new piercing anyway. It's not something I want to do alone. But he went to get his first tattoo alone, he says. It's not the same. I'm not you.  He tells me to ask my flakey friend to go with me... she won't cancel if it's a piercing and then he says lecherously that maybe SHE'LL get something pierced too. ...

I'm also not ok. My med levels aren't quite where they need to be.  Or maybe my life just stinks like that. If I'm all of those things, my partner should see it and take advantage of it. Instead of being so into the damn commercials during the football game that he doesn't even glance at my amazing rack when I'm changing. I'm finding little joys and comforts where I can. Stolen moments between work and home. Lunch time siestas at the river. Weekend mornings with my novel.  Sitting in the same room with my family - them watching inane bullshit while I write Хайку. It's the little things. Too much of my life is the inane overarching drama. So, new year, new me. No more drama. I'm standing up for myself.  Maybe the new year will find me being more outgoing, bettering myself, and just enjoying the little things in life when they come. Screw the drama. Now somebody help me find a good vibrator because my lack of erm...activity lately has caused...

My poem includes a reference to a new group I've joined and ... worse... a reference to making eyes at the first person that greeted me. Talking about flirting.  And (quite obviously) mistaking his friendliness for flirting or interest. And now I have a dilemma on my hands. Do I share the poem in the group?  I'm back to being the nerdy teenager in English class sharing a poem about how I'm in lurve with the captain of the football team because he helped me pick up my books (that his girlfriend knocked out of my arms, vicious bitch that she is) and we locked eyes over the chemistry book. Yeah, that never happened to me because I never fell for that kind of guy in school... but you get my point. I'm sure I could edit that part out - but that actually adds to the feeling of the poem. I could just keep it to myself too... Probably should. But dang,  it's good.