Chaos Digitized

.... .... Run away. Yeah.  That's my current feeling. You know you sang it in your head too...  Bonus points if you did it in the style of Beldar (like I did). Loads of drama here. Baby mama drama. Baby daddy drama. Teenage drama. Work drama. Just lots and lots of drama. So. Escape. An escape room would be fun... theme should be "You're in a horrible loveless marriage with a controlling asshole spouse that thought a lovechild with someone would clue you into how unhappy HE is in the marriage." .....oh wait... That's the current escape game I'm playing.   And it's only costing every penny i earn.  And my job.  And my sanity.  And all of my friendships. And my extended family. So... everything. This exceptionally fun game is costing me everything. My Pollyanna ass is trying to get a handle on "what am I getting from it?" I'm pretty fucking strong at this point.  Very nearly at badass levels. I have two GORGEOUS girls and t...

....I need kleig lights or some shit like that.  Things are dark lately.  I think the hubs is seeing someone else.... again. I'm very nearly broke (child support for someone else's kid SUCKS). I'm stuck making very little (for a CPA with my experience in this area) because I'm kind of in a stall pattern and have been since the kid was born.  So what am I to do? I need stability. Either in job or family or relationship or my fucking bank account - some sort of stability.  Unlike the bank account (approaching zero way too fast for my tastes), a zero in the relationship arena is pretty close to stability.  Right?  Way better than tantrums anytime I do something for myself or try to relax on my day off or something, right?   I'm also looking for a job. Fuck. I can't start a new job and cut his ass loose at the same time, can I? I'm going to bake today, I think.   That's my zen. And unlike my books, writing, w...

what is worse? being alone or being lonely with the person you used to think was your forever? I'm not entirely sure that I'm going to make it through the day without a full-on, ugly-crying, splotchy-red-face breakdown.  I don't want to be here today... or any day. here as in work. here as in a loveless marriage.  here as in depressed beyond all reason. I was told that I seemed to be really happy this past weekend when I went out with friends and did something fun.  For me. This was from the friend that sees me sad and depressed and anxious all.the.fucking.time. So... an expert on Senora Chaotica. And someone who can see through my fake it till you make it persona. So... yeah... Happy looks good on me. Which is why I always look like shit. Because when I do me and find a little happy, he counteracts the happy by being controlling, making me feel guilty, or picking a fight. Which makes me wonder if the little upticks in the happiness meter are worth the ma...

Dairy Queen has these amazing single serve ice cream cupcakes.... yum yum yum. They've got chocolate and vanilla ice cream, chocolate fudge and chocolate cookie crunch and they're topped with a tall spire of thick whipped cream frosting and sprinkles. They're cups of heaven. Can you tell I'm craving sweets? I'm trying to hold out until after work. Gimme some sugar! C.D.

I need my life not to be so fucking ridiculous. What's going on, you might be asking? Well... Baby mama won't let us see our son. She wants the "drama" at our house to be cleared up before we get to see him again. Nevermind that she hasn't told her significant other about the fact that baby daddy lives in town. Nevermind that she fucked a married man. Nevermind that the married man is the source of the fucking drama. Is it an attempt to break us up?  or make it so I can't leave him?? Goddamn it, I just want a little fucking normal at some point. or a little normal fucking. or a little kinky stuff.... or just.... I need to be treated as though I matter. And I need to be made to forget my shit for just a little while. Escapism? Perhaps.... but I don't give a fuck. haven't had one in months, so no spare fucks to give,  right? Who wants to help me pull a Houdini? C.D.