sheer loneliness

what is worse? being alone or being lonely with the person you used to think was your forever?

I'm not entirely sure that I'm going to make it through the day without a full-on, ugly-crying, splotchy-red-face breakdown. 

I don't want to be here today... or any day.
here as in work. here as in a loveless marriage.  here as in depressed beyond all reason.

I was told that I seemed to be really happy this past weekend when I went out with friends and did something fun.  For me. This was from the friend that sees me sad and depressed and anxious all.the.fucking.time. So... an expert on Senora Chaotica. And someone who can see through my fake it till you make it persona.

So...

yeah...

Happy looks good on me. Which is why I always look like shit.
Because when I do me and find a little happy, he counteracts the happy by being controlling, making me feel guilty, or picking a fight. Which makes me wonder if the little upticks in the happiness meter are worth the massive dips that follow.

I'm not ok you guys.

And...

I'm losing myself.


Somebody light a candle? 
C.D.


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