Doctors' Waiting Rooms = Enforced Breaks

CW: reference to sexual violence. 

I'll bet you can guess where I am right now.

Did you guess that I was in a doctor's waiting room?  Well, you're wrong. I'm in the exam room... waiting...

It's my season. It's game time for me. That said, I'm somewhat thankful for the interruption in my day despite the fact that it means I'm going to have to stay longer and work harder this afternoon.  It's a change in pace.  A change in scenery. And it allows me a chance to put a few words down - which I haven't been the best at doing so far since the divorce.

I've been meeting new people. A lot more new people. Like too many new people for my intro-fabulous self. But I'm learning about myself in the process.

First lesson: water is my friend. I've had some hella-hangovers from nights out that could have been avoided or mitigated.

Second lesson: quality and pacing matter. Cheap liquor at a cheap bar drunk too fast is not your friend. See lesson one.

Third lesson: buy your own damn drinks. I've learned this one from a new "friend" who frequently laments guys not buying her drinks. Guys not buying me drinks. To hell with that - they're no more responsible for my buzz than I am for the (happy?) end(ing) of their night.

Fourth lesson: I am *not* twentyone anymore. See lessons one and two.  Also... I didn't really socialize all that much when I was younger. Even less so in the last 10 or so years. So.. in some ways I'm better than I was at that age - actually getting out there - but in others... let's face it, I cannot hang with people literally HALF MY AGE!!! And I'm cool with that.

Fifth lesson: being cougar hunted sounds flattering and all. Until you realize the hunter is closer in age to your younger child (or even your preschool age stepson) than to you.

Sixth lesson: everybody you meet and hit it off with isn't going to be a friend to you.  Choose your friends carefully because they should lift you up.

Seventh lesson:  find your voice.  This is an important one.  The most important lesson. Everyone acts in their own self-interest. That self-interest is usually tempered by societal pressures - but even that is self-interest.  Public perception is a thing. Which is why.. in the cover of darkness.. someone who claimed to want to be my friend forced himself on me.  Walked me to my car "for protection" and wound up treating me as though I was his property.

What does this have to do with finding your voice?

I froze. Deer in the headlights.  I went empty-girl. Which he, as a self-described dominant, took to be submission. So he saw exactly what he wanted to see.

I couldn't stop him. I couldn't say no - because I've been conditioned for years to feel as though what I wanted (or didn't want) didn't fucking matter. So... I took it. He stopped short of what he could have done to me, but I still walked away damaged.

And as far as reporting it goes... there's no use. It will turn into he said-she said and it will mess with my reputation more than it affects him. So... the people who I lean on in crisis... my circle... they know. But I do a lot of late night crying alone since then.

Some of this could have been mitigated if I had my voice. Or maybe he would've taken what he wanted anyway.  Either way, my daily affirmations are "You aren't to blame here."
 And.. I'm not.
I'm not to blame in an assault.
Maybe I could've handled it better,  but I will figure out how to sleep again.

But trust isn't going to happen anytime soon.

Sorry fellas (that are not beating my door down), you'll have to wait some.

Lesson learned.

So I'm working to find my voice now.

Take care of one another,
C.D.