Chaos Digitized

Oh yes, my friendly neighborhood blog reader.  I'm a fortune cookie.  Crumbly and stale and confusing as fuck when get me to open up. But I give you lucky numbers and teach you random words in a foreign language. Oh wait. Crap. That's not where I was going with that. I write in riddles that can be interpreted in many many ways.°  °Especially if you add "in bed" to the end of them. When I was in high school, I wrote a poem. Described an event, albeit in poetic language, that changed my life. Basically exactly as I saw it. I can still recite the poem, and when I do, the visions, the textures, the heat, the emotion, EVERYTHING comes back to me.  You've probably guessed that it wasn't a positive event in my life.  It was terrifying. It still feel the profound effects of that event. But since it was (I thought), a good poem, I let a teacher read it. She wanted to put me on suicide watch. I figured she was nuts and was projecting her crazy onto me, (I ...

When you give up the world for someone, you wind up without the world and without the someone. I had a panic attack/nervous breakdown this afternoon. I can barely breathe... and I don't want to double up on my meds in one day because I don't want my whole life to be dependent on "as needed" meds. I'm not eating (woohoo, weightloss), drinking as much water as I can handle and taking something to help me sleep (OTC only because the stronger stuff makes me sleep through the next day and that doesn't mesh well with a full bladder). The moral of the story is that, because of the circumstances that triggered the attack,  I  couldn't talk to H. I tried getting up with a couple of friends,  but I haven't seen them in forever and they're busy anyway. That leaves family.  My mom.... my siblings... Oh... Wait... I don't have them anymore. My best friend? Nope... gone. I'm alone. So I took the long way home and cried.  Nobody missed me. I...

I have this compulsion to bake when things get tough...or good....or when people need love,  or comfort,  or congratulations.  Basically any excuse to bake. Well the amazing grocery team at publix busted it to get their neighborhood ready for Hurricane Irma, so I figured who needs comfort and appreciation more than them.  So I baked a cake. Or I tried to. I've pretty much perfected my execution of grandma's pound cake and I don't even have to look at the recipe anymore. Softened butter goes in the mixer,  I preheat the oven and start sifting the dry ingredients... It's all muscle memory at this point.  It's a ballet. The oven is perfectly preheated right as I finish pouring the batter,  basically. Then I have 90 minutes to get the kitchen cleaned up,  and relax.  This was awesome for enforced studying back when the CPA exams were looming.  A 90 minute block where I couldn't doze off for fear of burning that perfection. Grandma's...

The entire state is prepping for Hurricane Irma right now. People are freaking out,  leaving the state, but practically camping (in motor homes, no less) just across the state line. They seem to think that the wall that South Georgia built* to keep the snowbirds that fly down for the winter out of Georgia will do nothing to a HURRICANE, despite it being named after a lovely 83 year old grandmother who bakes the most delightful oatmeal raisin cookies on the planet.☆ So I'm driving home this afternoon, against the grain, and thankfully we have bread, milk, canned goods, batteries, water, yadda yadda♡... I feel like we're almost prepared.  I just have to get home.  From work.  Where I'm not successfully getting anything done because... Hurricane and people freaking out.   So I'm kind of sitting here, listening to the animal lover of the bunch talking about how she's going to ride around town when it's flooded on an air mattress to rescue dogs that get left...