Chaos Digitized

It's depressing how much I associate Halloween with...him. I love the holiday.  Spiders and black lace and kitty cat ears and cute little kids walking around in cute little costumes. And now it's HIS son walking around in a cute little costume. His. Not mine. When we first started dating, we went to the mall to watch the little kids in their costumes on Halloween. It's how we really started to know we were on the same page as to wanting kids and a family. And that became the tradition ... to the mall to ooh and ahh over the cute kids in cute costumes. And then it became OUR kids in those costumes. And now it's not just OUR kids. It's our girls and his son.  And I love his son like he's mine, but I keep getting reminded that he's not mine. And now I don't even get to see him in his costume. I'm not mama. So I don't matter. So I love the holiday,  but I'm starting to hate it too. Screw this. He decided to start another family, why d...

I think I've decided that my sanity is much more important to me than being the only one to try and make this marriage work. It terrifies me, but it is important. So now I'm going to start purging those things that don't bring me happiness. I'll start with my too-full closet.  Maybe someone else's life can be blessed with those things that are good but just aren't good for me anymore. The more I purge, the less I'll have to move when the time comes to sell the house that I love. That hurts me almost as much as the thought of leaving my marriage. I have no illusions that H isn't a good person in general. He is a great dad, a hard working employee, and very good at routine.  But he isn't the caring loving man toward me that he used to be. Maybe it's my fault. Maybe I broke him? Or maybe he broke me.  Either way, I can't fix myself and fix him without his consent. So I've got to settle for fixing myself. Saturday afternoon was really ...

I don't just need tacos... I need hella good tacos delivered by a super hot fireman to coax me out from under my desk.  Do things ever just get too heavy for you?  They've been super heavy for me for a while.  And now I need that super hot fireman to convince this kitty to come out of her hidey hole.  This weekend is going to be busy.  And hello, Halloween is almost here.  I've got to keep going or else I'll collapse. Or maybe I've got that wrong... maybe I'll collapse if I keep going.  So. My homework... I'm going to color in my coloring books. I'm going to write down the things that I'm grateful for. I'm going to love on my kids and embarrass them. And I'm going to hold out for that incredibly hot fireman with the tacos because I really need mouth to mouth... rawr.

My best friend encouraged everyone to look for the silver linings and things to be grateful for when life gets them down.  I'm working on that. 1. My kids love me and are as fiercely protective of me as I am of them. 2. My silent editor. He's a great sounding board and even if I don't follow his advice, I know it comes from somewhere in the area of the left hand side of his chest*. He cares about me and thinks I'm the dumbest smart person he knows but he still cares. 3. My step son.  He and his mama are my smile some days when I don't have a lot to smile about. 4. Those stupid adult coloring books that people are all about these days.  15 years or so ago, I'd hit the 99 cent store and pick up some fuckin Scooby Doo and Batman coloring books and cheap ass crayons and it would last me a week at best. Now they are better quality and last a bit longer. And snobby ass bitches (like myself, thank you for invading my mind, Silent Editor) don't judge you for dri...

This, beasties, is the most wonderful time of the year. This is when my people do all of their home decor shopping because...sugar skulls, black cats, Tim Burton, and the list could go on for days. The teen is very much like me.... she begged and pleaded for fake spider webs,  made spider push pins (super easy: hot glue, plastic spiders and thumb tacks), has purple Halloween lights all around her room and is begging for more creepy shit for her bedroom. She is why I'll be going broke during Halloween getting her Christmas gifts. And now that the weather is cooling down a bit, I'm able to open the sunroof (that was the only thing about my most recent car purchase that I wouldn't budge on) and really enjoy the cool breeze and the sunshine that is, somehow, softened by the fallish air. Don't group me in with the pumpkin spice basic bitches... I'm a little more metal in my choices. Coffee black as my soul (which is more a creamy caramel than black) and my boots-not u...

I'm tired of fighting for someone who won't fight for me. I'm tired of hearing the same shit over and over from people who don't take their own advice. I'm tired of not being able to sleep. I'm tired of having to take meds just to function. I'm tired of being taken advantage of.  I'm tired of being around people who don't even like me. Do you realize that I used the same rhetorical device that MLK Jr did? Of course his was about social injustice and mine is just a bunch of bitching and whining. I highly doubt that mine will stand the test of time for that reason.  So.  Fuck the negativity. I'm going to list things I'm thankful for. 1. A job.  I've been without and I don't wanna go back there. 2. My kids. They're smart, funny and they love their mama. 3. My bonus baby. He's so damn cool. 4. Caffeine. Nuff said. 5. New socks.  I'm a maaaajor sock whore.  Good thing my pimp-daddy pays me in sock...

Just call me a walk in closet.... ...coz I got me enough hangups to keep the laundromat in bidness. There's a park in my town (like most towns, I'm assuming). There's a dog park, a couple of playgrounds, disc golf, hiking trails, a little bit of everything. Baseball diamond, even, if you're one of those odd ducks* that is into that particularly foul◇ game. It's where they hold concerts, do fireworks, and any number of community events. It's where I have had and attended birthday parties. It's a great park. I haven't been back there since my stepson was born. Not because I don't want to take him to the park to play. Not because the girls wouldn't enjoy hiking the trails or taking their bikes there. I don't go there because of my own hangups. "How the fuck can someone have hangups about a park?!", you might be thinking. Or you might realize, like you should have from the first inkling I ever really revealed to you, that my han...

We can't do our job without sufficient info from you.  If you hide things from us, it'll come back to bite you in the refund. And it'll take more of our time which, if you remember the adage of "time is money," costs you more money. Just tell us the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth*, so help you [whichever deity or demon you choose to call out to as your higher power]. Seriously man, the truth shall set you free°. B.T.Dubs, perhaps that honesty should extend to your spouse too, from a tax perspective at the very least. If your spouse is the point of contact with the IRS, hiding a notice from them is the same as hiding it from your CPA. And I don't like not knowing relevant facts. Like the fact that my spouse knocked up a (really sweet, awesome) girl (that I now consider to be my friend)? Totally relevant to the financial picture, not to mention my sexual health,  my mental health, and my self esteem. But I digress. Tell your CPA your bidne...

I have been having problems sleeping lately.  You know who has been kind of a dick so I've been reluctant and in some cases,  anxiety-riddled with just the thought of going to bed.  Like requiring anxiety meds just to crawl into bed,  turn my back on him, and count sheep. Because of his funky schedule, he goes to bed before I do.  Key word bed. I'm not the asshole* here.  Why the hell should I be expected to sleep on the couch just because he goes to bed first? I'm starting to drift a bit here.  We have two couches.  Neither is particularly comfy.  One is a sofa bed ('nuff said),  the other is a bonded leather monstrosity that 1) has come unbonded and sheds little bits of leather everywhere, 2) has suffered from my enormous ass sitting on it,  so it isn't particularly springy or cushy and 3) it has a bar that presses across my lower back when I sit on it. It's still preferable to the sofa bed, but not by a lot. I don't want to s...