So much is changing
I think I've decided that my sanity is much more important to me than being the only one to try and make this marriage work.
It terrifies me, but it is important.
So now I'm going to start purging those things that don't bring me happiness. I'll start with my too-full closet. Maybe someone else's life can be blessed with those things that are good but just aren't good for me anymore. The more I purge, the less I'll have to move when the time comes to sell the house that I love. That hurts me almost as much as the thought of leaving my marriage.
I have no illusions that H isn't a good person in general. He is a great dad, a hard working employee, and very good at routine. But he isn't the caring loving man toward me that he used to be. Maybe it's my fault. Maybe I broke him? Or maybe he broke me. Either way, I can't fix myself and fix him without his consent. So I've got to settle for fixing myself.
Saturday afternoon was really good for me. I really needed to be around people who have, generally, the same goal as me. People who want to share a story with the world. It almost softened the blow of being stood up again by pretty much the only friend I have nearby to hang out with (silent editor, you don't count because we don't hang out).
I'm tired of living like this.... I'm tired of feeling guilty for having interests outside of work and home. Tired of being treated like I'm supposed to do nothing to interrupt his sleep, but also nothing outside of the home because "It must be nice to have time to do whatever you want."
I deserve better. (Yes, Silent Editor, I know your feelings on people deserving things, but I try so damn hard that *some* fucking reward is deserved.)
I need better.
I *will* get it.
It terrifies me, but it is important.
So now I'm going to start purging those things that don't bring me happiness. I'll start with my too-full closet. Maybe someone else's life can be blessed with those things that are good but just aren't good for me anymore. The more I purge, the less I'll have to move when the time comes to sell the house that I love. That hurts me almost as much as the thought of leaving my marriage.
I have no illusions that H isn't a good person in general. He is a great dad, a hard working employee, and very good at routine. But he isn't the caring loving man toward me that he used to be. Maybe it's my fault. Maybe I broke him? Or maybe he broke me. Either way, I can't fix myself and fix him without his consent. So I've got to settle for fixing myself.
Saturday afternoon was really good for me. I really needed to be around people who have, generally, the same goal as me. People who want to share a story with the world. It almost softened the blow of being stood up again by pretty much the only friend I have nearby to hang out with (silent editor, you don't count because we don't hang out).
I'm tired of living like this.... I'm tired of feeling guilty for having interests outside of work and home. Tired of being treated like I'm supposed to do nothing to interrupt his sleep, but also nothing outside of the home because "It must be nice to have time to do whatever you want."
I deserve better. (Yes, Silent Editor, I know your feelings on people deserving things, but I try so damn hard that *some* fucking reward is deserved.)
I need better.
I *will* get it.
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