What do I want?

I've had the occasion of late to be asked what I want.  What do I want to eat to celebrate a special day.  What do I want as a gift.  What do I want to do to celebrate the anniversary a day that is supposed to be about me.
I don't know what I want.  I spend so much of my emotional (and financial) capital catering to the desires and demands of my kids and their hard- to- please dad that I can't even come close to knowing what I want... what I need.... what will make me feel important... what will make me feel loved.
Coz I don't, currently.
I don't feel important. 
I don't feel loved (well... my kids love me but you know what I'm looking for)

I don't know if I even love myself.
My soundtrack... my refrain... my mantra? 
"I can't do this.  I hate my job (I don't), I hate my life, I hate my situation, I hate my family (I only really hate the one member), I can't do this anymore. "

Positive self-talk can bring about good things... positive changes.  So I guess I'm inviting negativity.

Where's the reset button? In the words of my tech-savvy friend, "Have you tried turning it off and back on?"

I'm afraid of changes.  I'm afraid of the unknown. And I'm afraid of moving into a situation if I'm not sure if it could possibly make me happy because I don't know what I fuckin want.

I don't know if I still remember what real happiness is.

I'm stealing moments here and there. Moments of good... when my teen is cuddly. When my stepson is thrilled to see me come home from work. When my tween is particularly clever. Watching my kids playing together. Seeing my little guy trying to play with the dog (who is afraid of him). Little moments.  Little bright spots in the ultra black canvas of my psyche.
But rather than lifting me up,  those moments are serving as a foil, making the dark even darker.

I just don't know how to get out of this funk. And when it comes down to it, the season is upon me and i'm already losing all of the time I could normally sneak for myself.  I'm losing more of myself every day. And less and less happiness can be found. So... where are the breadcrumbs?  Where's the trail? I'm alone in the dark and there's not even a false trail to follow.

Anybody have a map or a compass?
I'm all alone and scared...
C.D.

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