Three thirty in the morning

It's fucking 3:30 am.
I can't sleep.

I've tried NSFW methods.  PG methods. It's not working.

Soothing sounds on my headphones generally conks me out. Tonight, though?  Nuh uh.  It cannot drown out the noise of how the dude is giving up his daughters.   How much damage he's doing to them because his son is what he's always wanted.  His son is what he's always prayed for.

So his daughters' hearts get broken with every broken promise.  With every time his son's mother,  whom he swears he's not "with" talks, him into time with her or attention to her when he's supposed to be doing something with his kids or when they're trying to just fucking talk to him.

I see myself in them.  My own wounds and years of damages. I desperately want to save them the heartbreak, but if I point out what he's doing, I break the agreement that he still won't sign.  And I potentially project my own experience on my daughters who still have a chance their dad will turn it around.

A chance. versus the current path of total heartbreak.

A lot of time this week has been watching the hurricane out in the Atlantic.  Waiting to see which path it would take.  Waiting to see where the destruction would land or if it'd (slight chance) take a runner off toward Africa and fizzle out on the crossing.

Very few potential paths brought the destruction to my door, but very few did minimal damage too.  If it doesn't affect me directly, it's a small win for me because my paper cut is more important to me than you falling into an open manhole cover (just ask Mel Brooks).

And I'm watching my own potential disaster.  All of the paths where my daughters are irrevocably damaged and I'm praying for the one or two (possible, not probable) paths where their dad doesn't destroy them. Because I have hope that I didn't marry my dad.  Because I have hope that he'll see just how much his beautiful,  smart, funny, vibrant, smartass girls need their daddy.

But fuck...

this isn't going to end well.

and when a girl needs her daddy, mom is never enough.

believe me, I know.

goddamn....

lend me your strength?  I'm all tapped out
C.D

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