Chaos Digitized

As an accountant... in tax... I'm a little busy right now. Just a little. Like... well..  not as bad as it will be, but still working a *hard* 55-60 hours a week. "But Chaos... you sit at a desk all day... how is that hard?" Pull up a chair, baby... lemme 'splain sommat to ya. You know how hard it is to do your little baby 1040? How anxious you get over fucking something up with the IRS and getting audited?  Try talking to the IRS on an audit. And while you're spending hours listening to their inane keyboard and toms on an endless loop, you're trying to concentrate on other people's tax returns. And you have to be ready to switch gears like you're sponsored. Because when the agent comes on the line, they don't care that you're in the middle of a tape (do non-finance people even know what I mean there?), or that your (allegedly) mentally challenged trainee "gots questions". Es a bit stressful, mah baby. And, if you're in your 30s o...

I have a confession... I love watching cheesy Hallmark and princess movies.  Extra credit if it's a Hallmark princess movie.  They're formulaic, they're poorly written, they recycle their cast, plots, and... well... everything.  But maybe that's the appeal. Silly romances aren't realistic, so it's a form of escapism on my part. Their recycled *everything* make them predictable and soothing. Do I expect a guy to sweep me off my feet in real life?  Well..  maybe...? It's hard to turn off the "girl brain." But the rest of me just wants someone to hold me and care about me and be vulnerable with me.  And someone who sticks around when I'm not at my best.  I dunno... Girl brain is still a thing, so the silly romance stuff still affects me. I wouldn't call the romance movies "setting unrealistic expectations" because I know they're unrealistic in the first place. But some aspects of them could be nice. Maybe if we take time to see o...

When I was a kid, I thought that the parents in my life had it all figured out.  My mom,  the parents on the band bus, whatever. As I approach (and surpass * tiny dramatic  gasp*) the ages that they were when I was looking up to them, I honestly *do* have it all figured out. Nobody really ever has it figured out. I think my kids know.  They're way more sophisticated than I ever thought about being.  Of course, I haven't exactly been hiding it lately either. Between full days of crying in my room and time unable to prove to myself that I'm worthy of anything at all.  Therapy, meds, friends.... I have to take better care of myself.  I have to do better for my kids.  Sounds dangerously close to a resolution (in which I don't believe).  When it comes down to it, it's an ongoing aspiration. Better for myself, better for my kids... constant improvement.  And cuddles, maybe?  Just keep swimming.  Moving forward.  Move... C.D.