Chaos Digitized

I have a confession... I love watching cheesy Hallmark and princess movies.  Extra credit if it's a Hallmark princess movie.  They're formulaic, they're poorly written, they recycle their cast, plots, and... well... everything.  But maybe that's the appeal. Silly romances aren't realistic, so it's a form of escapism on my part. Their recycled *everything* make them predictable and soothing. Do I expect a guy to sweep me off my feet in real life?  Well..  maybe...? It's hard to turn off the "girl brain." But the rest of me just wants someone to hold me and care about me and be vulnerable with me.  And someone who sticks around when I'm not at my best.  I dunno... Girl brain is still a thing, so the silly romance stuff still affects me. I wouldn't call the romance movies "setting unrealistic expectations" because I know they're unrealistic in the first place. But some aspects of them could be nice. Maybe if we take time to see o...

When I was a kid, I thought that the parents in my life had it all figured out.  My mom,  the parents on the band bus, whatever. As I approach (and surpass * tiny dramatic  gasp*) the ages that they were when I was looking up to them, I honestly *do* have it all figured out. Nobody really ever has it figured out. I think my kids know.  They're way more sophisticated than I ever thought about being.  Of course, I haven't exactly been hiding it lately either. Between full days of crying in my room and time unable to prove to myself that I'm worthy of anything at all.  Therapy, meds, friends.... I have to take better care of myself.  I have to do better for my kids.  Sounds dangerously close to a resolution (in which I don't believe).  When it comes down to it, it's an ongoing aspiration. Better for myself, better for my kids... constant improvement.  And cuddles, maybe?  Just keep swimming.  Moving forward.  Move... C.D.

Relationships with my children. Relationships with friends.  Relationships with guys. This is hard.  Christmas has me jacked up already and my kids are noticing the hard time I'm having.  They're not really aware that I'm trying to date. Trying to... I met one guy... super nice, incredible chemistry. And not in a great place for mental health. So.. chemistry be damned... I can't date him. Then there's this other guy. Holy hell... so great. Still in a rough spot - kinda like me. My rough spots and his seemed to coincide one night and... he's not ready to date.  So..  back to the drawing board.  Or maybe give it a few months and just do my friend nights and lean on my friends for the physical (non-sexual) affection I crave.  My friends will carry me. Maybe.  Seriously though, chemistry is important and I thought we had it.  Love your friends,  C.D.

 My blog has gone unnoticed and un-updated and shit lately because my life has been too much.  Depression.  Anxiety.  Work.  Taking care of my girls.  Trying to get a social life.  I had a date that woke something up inside me.  And a second date.  And.. well... i started feeling again.  Let's see if I'm going to keep feeling.  I'm going to keep writing.  Need to do that.  Need to get out the chaos... And maybe find a little piece of happy?  Hoping and wishing  C.D.

CW: reference to sexual violence.  I'll bet you can guess where I am right now. Did you guess that I was in a doctor's waiting room?  Well, you're wrong. I'm in the exam room... waiting... It's my season. It's game time for me. That said, I'm somewhat thankful for the interruption in my day despite the fact that it means I'm going to have to stay longer and work harder this afternoon.  It's a change in pace.  A change in scenery. And it allows me a chance to put a few words down - which I haven't been the best at doing so far since the divorce. I've been meeting new people. A lot more new people. Like too many new people for my intro-fabulous self. But I'm learning about myself in the process. First lesson: water is my friend. I've had some hella-hangovers from nights out that could have been avoided or mitigated. Second lesson: quality and pacing matter. Cheap liquor at a cheap bar drunk too fast is not your fri...

Christmas day was weird as hell. I'm not a part of my birth family.  Not a part of my chosen family. After I took the kids to their dad for the three hour allowed visit (but I was willing to give him the whole day for their sake)  I wandered town, lost. Looked for a lonely Christmas lunch in a shut down town. Waffle House is never closed, but also never fails to upset my stomach.  So I passed. Same for IHOP. No reason to even try there. Every brilliant idea I had (beer and nachos,  loaded baked potato and ice cream, roast beef sandwich and incredible curly fries with cheese sauce) was a non- starter. I wound up at the movie theater.  Cried in the parking lot a little while. When I finally got the nerve to go in, it felt a little like Disney World for more than one reason.  First,  it was crowded. Second, overpriced in food and attractions.  And finally, probably most important to me, there were smiling, patient "cast members" to deal with...