Chaos Digitized

I used to be a wannabe. Told a friend this when he was talking about going back to school. He said he was a wannabe. "I used to be a wannabe Then I became a gonna be Now, I am" I'm bringing this up because I'm struggling between work and home stress and with my mental health.  I am now a wannabe because I want to be able to get through a normal day of work without wanting to do things that I might regret. Putting a plan in place makes me a gonnabe.  I'm pre-gonnabe. I'm working on a plan. Maybe next year I'll be able to move into the "Am" category. I'm an open book here. The good,  the bad, and the fuckin fabulous. Too bad the hubby is an illiterate asshole, huh? Happy reading - there will be a quiz. C.D.

and... depression... and thoughts of hurting myself. really hurting myself. my eyes held for way too frigging long on the sharp chef's knife tonight. i'm stopping myself from doing that, but goddamn it I've been in tears a good portion of the day. I need a leave of absence, I think.  i don't think i need the hospital, but i need a fucking break and a change of scenery.... preferably with someone who might be willing to keep me from sharp objects. think good thoughts for me C.D.

I need my fucking life to make sense. Complications abound, baby. The more I try to get things cleaned up and packaged in a nice little "sign on the dotted line" package, the more other shit gets thrown at me. Not literally... eww gross... but yeah.. I feel like i'm on some sort of reality show... Truman show meets Jonah meets... hell, I dunno. some of my scattered brain today is the two year old.  some of it is his dad. some of it is his mom. I need an escape.  Just a few hours of not going on an all expense paid guilt trip for daring to want some me time. i'm not even asking for me time of the naked sort. just... me... Give me a sign if this is actually a reality show. a newspaper held upside down. a stuttering TV televangelist on at a sports bar. something and dammit, keep reminding me things will be ok C.D.

I've got a couple of ideas for country songs. My southern accent gets thicker than honey and twice as slow and sweet over the course of the day and, while I can drop it to sing or speak a foreign language (or Yankee... still counts as foreign, sugar),  what is the fun in that if you're singing about how your man "done been cheatin' and brought home an extra kid and the clap"? To clarify here, I got tested for everything under earth's yellow sun which gives me my super powers (oh it buuuuuuuurns) and everything came back clean. (oh shit... you weren't supposed to know that i'm secretly superman's smoking hot love child!) Free o' disease. except stupidity coz i still haven't left. goddamn at the chaos today. Back to the music...  I just want something that's all me out there.  Something that isn't me being a poor facsimile of.... whatever. I don't wanna be the best at something... I just wanna be my best version of ME. Q...

So I want a divorce. I need a divorce. I need to be free from... well... the bad. I want to be able to like H as a friend and coparent. And I want him happy. He deserves happiness. methinks he deserves an itchy rash on his junk that gives him shooting pain upon any sexual desire too... but that's fucking mean. But goddamn it I want to be happy too. I don't expect my life to be sunshine and rainbows.  I'm just tired of the miserable. I'm broken enough that I don't believe in love at the present... but then again i'm not so sure I love myself either... And with that said, lemme go to my klonopin bottle and slow down the anxiety/depression/stress-induced heart palpitations. Single dose, baby.  I'm not currently on a self-harm kick. goddamn it, ..i'm earning my blog name today.... Total fucking Chaos .....should've seen me last night... more chaos...... peace, that nasty L word, and Sparkly shit, C.D.

BITCH! I'm not ok, you guys. I suck at this whole adult thing. Especially this parent-of-a-teenage-daughter thing. Would it be awful if I got a massage and a haircut on Friday? Yeah... it would. Taking care of myself is "selfish" and "a waste of time and money." But you cannot pour from an empty pitcher. And my pitcher is bone dry and has been for some time now. I could go dirty and talk about asking some attractive guy filling me up, but i'm not feeling it. That's how empty I am. How do I go about making the bosses happy and the family happy/healthy without losing myself completely? Or better yet, how do I come back from being so thoroughly lost now? Anyone got a map or a tether or wanna talk me through it? hello? didn't think so. May you always find your way (eventually), C.D.

Customer doesn't realize that it's 10 minutes to closing. Customer isn't a total asshole, after all. Customer has made major purchases in the past year and over the past several years, including the current equipment. Customer isn't asking for anything major. No new safety installations.  Just an inspection and fix of the problem area. Do you let the customer know that your safety people are booked to closing and ask that she come in Monday? Do you take on the work for the customer and do what you say you're gonna do, as completely and carefully as if it were your first of the day? Do you tell the customer to piss off? Or... do you tell the customer, "No problem, we'll get you fixed right up" and then half-ass do it, leaving the customer in a more precarious position? Any guesses as to the right answer? As the customer, I think the first or second is best. I'd rather come back when everyone is fresh and not already thinking of hitting th...