Chaos Digitized

I experienced pure joy today (well yesterday when I started this blog entry) at my son's accomplishment. I watched him stand up without holding onto anything. I asked his mom when he started doing that. "He's been doing it for a while now." Complete letdown. "He's doing a lot of new things." I haven't seen him in a week and a half because she expects H to ASK to see his son. The last time I saw him before today was because I asked HER to dinner so I could spend time with the two of them while H and the girls were doing church stuff that our boy wasn't welcome at. And while the two of them were so much in love and so much on the same wavelength that they could fuck behind my back, now that I'm in on their little secret, they're having a hard time talking to one another. They can't be adult enough talk to one another about what they want and need for the sake of their child. She and I text. Probably too much... But no more than he d...

I'm trying so goddamn hard to make things work. But sometimes I feel like I'm the only one that is. Why do I frigging try? I'm a glutton for punishment. Or too scared to make a change. Or just a fucking moron. I'm smart.... I swear I am. I'm witty, I'm funny, I'm valuable. I just can't keep myself convinced of that, so nobody else really sees it. Maybe my weekend needs to be compromised of self-affirmations and role-playing. "Yes, [redacted], I think a 20% raise would be a great start! And I really appreciate your hiring of a tall, handsome bookkeeper to work directly under me, if you'll pardon the innuendo." "I'm not a total fake" "I'm not the biggest loser on the planet" Mumbo jumbo fucking nonsense. I need to grow a spine, wise up, and quit giving more of myself than I actually have to give. But yeah, I need a raise in any case. Mama's got bills bills bills bills bills. C.D.

We get the little one Saturday so I'm super stoked about that, but when it comes down to it, I'm either super down or super up lately. Super up me has all sorts of plans and wants to GO and DO and craft and photograph and remodel and pack up crap for a yard sale or goodwill. Down me just wants to sleep and read and be ignored. Down me can't handle my younger daughter (who can sense that I'm down and wants to right up on me all the time) or my dog sitting quietly next to me wanting to be petted. Down me is around way too much and can't handle the grand, wonderful ideas that up me has.  Up me is never around long enough to do half of the things that she plans. So there's another separation in my life. Up and down. Public and private. I'm absolutely pissed that the most awesome little dude has to be a private part of my life because "what would the firm think," "What would the community think," "what would the CHURCH think??!?" ...

I'm taking my mom to dinner tonight for her birthday. Me and the girls. Husband doesn't want to show his face because.. Well... You know. I'm tired of having to separate my life so completely. Right down the middle like I'm hiding a shameful secret from the "good" parts of my life. Things I'm thankful for: a job, a roof, audiobooks Things I'm not too keen on: double lives, commuting, having no real outlet. Things have to change. I don't know how much longer I can fake it. My firm sent out a questionnaire and one question struck me as more profound than it was probably intended. "What animal do you identify with most?" I chose a flamingo. Not because I feel like I'm bright, flamboyant, or in any way special... But because I'm there, conspicuous, balancing on one foot, pretending to be something I'm not (in the case of our pink friend, a harmless plant) just to survive. Maybe I should start painting plastic flamingos l...

I haven't blogged or journalled in years. I've been in therapy off and on for the past 3 years or so.. more on than off in the past year. In the past year, I've lost the support of my family, my trust in a close knit community of women, the belief that my husband wants to be with me, and my best friend.... With all that said, I need an outlet that I'm not paying by the hour. I'm trying to do more stuff for me and this is one of those things I'm doing. Background on me - I'm a thirty something mother of two girls, a CPA, an aspiring novelist, and a long-term sufferer of depression, anxiety, migraines, and just being fat and out of shape. I'm healthy otherwise, I have great lab results, nothing is ever borderline. I'm just big and can't run. I'm doing things to fix my problems. I've got Daith piercings for the migraines and that has been a miracle for me in the last year (I'm speaking only of my own experience and this should not...