Chaos Digitized

I'm witty as hell, too smart for my own good, charismatic, if you can get past the whole "terminal introversion" thing funny, relatively cute,  I could go on for days. humble too I'm a flirt, an open book, and I have no filter.  Additionally, I have a ginormous, bouncy rack. I've been told that it doesn't suck.  Seriously,  tis a thing of beauty. Huge distraction sometimes.  I look down and BAM!  Perfection in cleavage form!   So, dear reader all one of you you're likely wondering why I'm trying to convince you of just how wonderful I am.  The simplest answer?  I'm not. I'm trying to convince me. I'm so negative lately,  so down and depressed, that I need to remind myself that I'm pretty fucking badass for a CPA. And I'm creative. And I'm friendly.  and loving. and giving. Let's face it, I'm all that and a bag of kettle chips.  kettle chips coz they thick and tasty like me, baby  So... pos...

I'm a good girl. I promise I am. but I want to be bad. Not in a "oh I'm a bad girl... I need a spanking" kind of a way. well....              shit...                             maybe I do. Is that bad? Totally bad. But he's been so bad.... for so long... shit... but if I justify my bad behavior by his behavior doesn't that make me just as bad as him? goddamn. I need a friend i can talk this over with.... I heard that old country song "Going Through the Big D (and don't mean Dallas)" the other day... and... shit... I need a big D. and not just the Divorce. I miss my best friend. She could help me get my shit together. anyway... Anyone wanna talk it over with me? I'm willing to allow the discussion to be directed at the creamy white cleavage that I *hate* having to cover all the goddamn time. Happy Wednesday... C.D. P.S. Would it be awful to ...

Now that I'm well and truly checked out of the marriage, I'm faced with temptations... Temptations that were easier to ignore before. The temptation to become a person that I'm not. The temptation to sever ties completely. The temptation to pay back some of the hurt. I respect myself enough to avoid stooping to his level. (oh but it would be amazing to be wanted) Does that mean I'm not going to flirt when given the chance?  nuh-uh... I'm a flirt. I did meet some nice looking guys at my conference.  And darn if they're not all married.  I'm really not going to be "that girl."  I don't want to be the tool some guy uses to do the same thing to his wife that was done to me (that said, condoms are this really effing amazing invention that provides a level of protection from .... you know... stuff that would out your ass as a cheater). oh baby you.... you got a disease... you say it's just a rash.. but it's halfway up your... Ye...

Happiest place on earth,  you expect what,  exactly?  Long lines, crowds, gates-of-hell heat, spoiled rotten kids,  tired parents.... total negativity that you have to work hard to break through with a pickax and brute force to get to the two or three tiny nuggets of pure joy for the low low price of a grand or so for a family of 4. More if you stay on property or don't live in Florida.... or both. I stood back and enjoyed the magic. Kept my calm.... bathed in the heat and sweat and brushed off the attitudes around me. My teen actually giggled when meeting Kylo Ren. She was giddy and, as a result, so was I. The girls also had a lightsaber fight on the walk between two of the activities we enjoyed. They were smiling and having a great time.  And I loved every minute of it. We were doing pin trading - like an Easter egg hunt for you non-Disney readers (all none of you). The teen was laser sighted on all of the lanyards and pin pouches- especially if they had...

I've been reading back over my blog posts lately and I've noticed an annoying truth. I'm an effing whiney bitch. As much as the hand I've been dealt stinks, my attitude doesn't have to match that.  Nobody likes a Pollyanna- I'm not going to go that far, not by a long shot. Seriously? you wanted a doll in the missionary barrel, but got crutches and you, annoying little rhymes-with-bunt, say "at least we don't need crutches" yeah, 30 years after reading it, it is still stuck in my craw. On a completely unrelated tangent,  having something stuck in your craw sounds like masturbation gone horribly wrong. Alright.... so, good things in my life - without trying to perform fecal alchemy (turning shit into gold) goddamn, I am a fucking master wordsmith! Just gimme my book deal and I'll be on my way.  thankfulness.... take two - in no particular order: Good friends.  You know who you are. Music.  Always important in my life,  even...

Unfortunately, this is the goal and not the reality.  I didn't sleep last night.  Well... maybe an hour or so. Working on my budget.  Working on me. My book and my writing will likely take a back seat.  Kids, career, and doing the best I can for me. I will not give up my group.  I need a group of people who are like me.  This is pretty much my only social interaction. I won't give up my therapy.  I'm fucking twisted and I know it.  I need that shit. I won't be going back to my "family" though either.  I can't trust them not to turn on me again the next time I need them. I sang this morning. I haven't been listening to music all that much and I just needed some music.  A normal person in the midst of gathering her shit to prepare for divorce (god I hate that I have to use that word) would crave ice cream or alcohol or pizza and sweats on a comfy couch. But I craved music. I butchered a song from my favorite Broadway musical. I san...

ok... so I have some regrets. I don't regret meeting H. I don't regret my kids. I don't regret staying long enough to get to know the coolest little joker on the planet. I regret being a doormat for so long that I find myself asking permission to even ask a friend (who's too busy for me anyway) to hang out. I don't regret doing a web search for dissolution of marriage papers.  I don't regret starting to gather up all of the information I need in order to complete those papers. I don't regret running the numbers so I can figure out if I'll be able to do this alone.  house,  car, feeding the family,  paying down debt... I do, however, regret letting certain people in my firm know about the situation because it's being used against me. but as for me... for now... I need to make my plans for myself despite the way it can be seen. goddamn I am not ok. i need to be held and told that everything will be ok. I need to be made to laugh through the...