regrets (this isn't funny or witty, so prepare to be disappointed)

ok... so I have some regrets. I don't regret meeting H. I don't regret my kids. I don't regret staying long enough to get to know the coolest little joker on the planet.

I regret being a doormat for so long that I find myself asking permission to even ask a friend (who's too busy for me anyway) to hang out.

I don't regret doing a web search for dissolution of marriage papers.  I don't regret starting to gather up all of the information I need in order to complete those papers.
I don't regret running the numbers so I can figure out if I'll be able to do this alone.  house,  car, feeding the family,  paying down debt...

I do, however, regret letting certain people in my firm know about the situation because it's being used against me.
but as for me... for now... I need to make my plans for myself despite the way it can be seen.

goddamn I am not ok.

i need to be held and told that everything will be ok. I need to be made to laugh through the tears. To quote Truvy (Steel Magnolias - Dolly Parton's character), "Laughter through tears is my favorite emotion."
I need the family that abandoned me.
I need the friends that H kept me away from with his devious controlling ways.
I need to get me back.  There's none of me left.  I gave it all away between work and home and being under his thumb.

My therapist asked me yesterday if my telling him that I wasn't ok meant that I was suicidal.  He hasn't asked me that question in over a year.  i'm fucking back to square one.. might as well be back in the hospital, right?

So... i'm struggling.
I need....
well hell...
I need to nut up and fix it my own fucking self rather than hoping for a knight in shining armor (who's likely as fucked up as me) to do it for me.

I'm not the kind of princess who requires saving. It would just be nice to have a laugh with someone who isn't looking to control me or use me (well at least in the un-fun ways anyway... if your mind is going there, mine sure as fuck will too.... I've had a dry spell of late).

I want something in my life to be easy.  Because I'm about to be going through the "Big D" with someone who doesn't have a "Big D" - not that I've gotten benefit out of it regardless the size in forever. Gah...

Hug someone who needs it,
C.D.

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