Where might I find happiness?

 My novel for NANOWRIMO begins with a feverish search for happiness. The happiness is nowhere to be found.
My character (me) is unable to feel anything at all. She resorts to self-harm as a way to feel anything.

But how far off is that from any other day in my life when you really look at it?

I stay in a marriage where I'm obviously not loved. I am loyal to employers to a fault. I even tried to spend time with my deadbeat dad long after most kids (including my siblings)  would have given up.

Who is the patron saint of lost causes? That really strikes a chord with me.

When my best friend was dying of cancer, struggling with a life-changing diagnosis for her older boy and just fed up with life in general, I told her that if she was fishing for a break, she's using the wrong bait.

So is that my problem? Am I using the wrong bait?* I'm not looking for someone else to being me happiness.  That's my job.  It'd be awesome to share happiness. Been trying that for years with you-know-who, but he seems intent on keeping me under his thumb and sharing in the misery♧.

I'm looking for my happy again.
Cooking
Baking
Writing
Crafting
Drawing
Taking time for ME.

I need to live for myself.

My co-workers can tell you that my face lights up completely when I talk about my stepson. And they can also tell you that my eyes go dead or moist ♤ when talking about H.
H's friends and family will tell you that our faces both used to light up when we were around each other,  but that the sparkle is just gone.
So... the more I grow and explore, the more I feel like I'm done with that past. Time for the ring to quit being an anchor or a noose. Time to wake up and smell the fresh air called freedom.

Cheers,
C.D.


*Good god, silent editor, do NOT make a joke about how my hoo-ha smells like bait,  coz you ain't never been there.
♧Misery...to a writer... hmm... do I need to be worried about any readers finding me and going all Kathy Bates on me??
♤Just have to use the word moist to make you cringe. You're welcome.

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